


Four Autumns.

by theweakestthing



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst, Autumn, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Don’t copy to another site, Eddie Kaspbrak Has Anxiety, Established Relationship, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Richie Tozier Has ADHD, Richie Tozier has RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), Time Skips, Timeline 1993 - 96
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-01-08 08:24:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21232766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweakestthing/pseuds/theweakestthing
Summary: The sky was bruised indigo and violet, purples and blues spread out behind the sparse clouds. Richie watched it through the window as the day began and tried to stop time, at least in that room alone. Eddie was asleep beside him, curled around him under the sheets. Soft chocolate locks were splayed out across Richie’s chest and tickled his skin. Eddie’s hand was clammy where it laid over Richie’s stomach burning into his gut. The moment was perfect and Richie was sinking into the warmth of it, almost slipping back to sleep, but it would have to end sooner or later.





	1. 1993: Part One

The sky was bruised indigo and violet, purples and blues spread out behind the sparse clouds. Richie watched it through the window as the day began and tried to stop time, at least in that room alone. Eddie was asleep beside him, curled around him under the sheets. Soft chocolate locks were splayed out across Richie’s chest and tickled his skin. Eddie’s hand was clammy where it laid over Richie’s stomach burning into his gut. The moment was perfect and Richie was sinking into the warmth of it, almost slipping back to sleep, but it would have to end sooner or later.

Richie padded his hand around the bedside table for his glasses and slid them up his nose. He stared at the digital clock, it read 06:00, Eddie’s mom would be calling him down for breakfast in an hour. And Richie would have to climb out the window soon if he wanted to make it home in time to have a quick shower, eat something and be back in time to pick up Eddie.

They had started this a year ago around Eddie’s sixteenth birthday, a few months after they’d finally gotten together. Richie had been sneaking into Eddie’s bedroom for years, ever since he learnt how to scale the side of Eddie’s house. Once they were together, Richie had started coming over more often to staying the whole night. It had never been that hard to sneak out of his house. Not that his parents weren’t attentive, they were just too tired from work to hear him slip out at ten thirty almost every night.

With a soft sigh, Richie began to untangle himself from Eddie and leave the bed. He tried to pull Eddie’s arm off of him slowly, trying not to wake him, but Eddie stirred despite Richie’s attempt at care.

“No, just ten more minutes,” Eddie whined groggily, wrapping his arms tightly around Richie’s waist as he blinked up at him.

“Sorry spaghetti man, I gotta get going,” Richie said, ruffling Eddie’s hair as he sat up, dragging Eddie with him. “I’ve got to make myself presentable if I’m to ferry your sweet ass to school in an hour and a half,” he went on, flicking his eyes back over to the clock.

“This isn’t fair,” Eddie whined again, pressing his face into Richie’s stomach as he groaned.

“Well one day we’ll have our own bed and I won’t have to get out of it at six in the morning if I don’t want to, but that day is not today,” Richie lamented, fingers still stroking through Eddie’s hair. The bruised sky was warming up, blue and purple turning to yellow, orange and red, mirroring the Autumnal world around them.

“Fine,” Eddie sighed heavily, finally letting Richie go.

Richie stumbled out of the bed and fumbled his way into his clothes. As he zipped up his hoodie, Richie watched Eddie shuffle up into a sitting position against the headboard, sleepily blinking around with his hair sticking up at odd angles. It was one of the cutest sights that Richie had ever seen. He wanted to litter Eddie’s face with kisses, he wanted to bundle him up and steal him out of the house and cross the state lines never to return.

“Can I kiss you?” Richie asked, knees quaking as Eddie sat there all soft and warm still tucked in the sheets up to his chin.

“Just keep your mouth closed,” Eddie murmured as he tilted his head up, leaning toward Richie.

Richie nodded, he knew how much Eddie hated morning breath and he definitely wouldn’t be able to slip into the bathroom and brush his teeth without good old Sonia catching him out, so of course he agreed and kept his mouth tightly shut. With his hand braced against the wall, Richie leaned down and kissed Eddie softly without opening his mouth.

“I’ll return with my stead, until then keep yourself chaste my fair lady,” Richie said dramatically as he swooped to the window, hand wrapped around the window frame as he smiled toothily at Eddie, who was struggling to hide his giggles against the comforter.

“Go, you fucking loon,” Eddie called as he shooed Richie, hands flapping out of the sheets, laughing as he watched Richie fold his gangly form up onto the windowsill.

Richie blew him a kiss and slipped out of the window, clambered down the side of the house and walked home with a spring in his step. He whistled as he all but skipped down the street. Hands in his pockets as he watched the day begin around him, people got into their cars to begin their commute to work, a woman let a dog out to do its business on the front lawn, someone swept burnt orange, brown and red leave from their path, birds flittered to the sky as a cat darted out from under a porch, it was a lively morning and that was just the way that Richie liked it.

It took more effort to sneak back into his house than it did to sneak out. At night there was the cover of darkness and the fact that his parents were usually fast asleep and dead to the world by quarter past ten. In the morning, they were both up and would definitely hear him fumbling with his keys at the front door, and might even bump into him on their way out to work.

Richie scrambled over the garden fence and dropped into the back yard. He crouch walked past the windows, and spied into the kitchen before he slipped in through the back door, using the key he had swiped the night before. Leaving the key where it usually went, Richie poured himself a glass of orange juice from the fridge and made his way upstairs as though he’d been there the whole time.

“Morning Richard,” his dad called as he came out of the master bedroom, pulling his tie taught as he made his way to the stairs.

“Morning father,” Richie returned in a piffy English accent as he bopped off to his room. Once the door was closed behind him and he was alone, Richie fist pumped the air, he was in the clear.

Richie downed the orange juice, pulled out a change of clothes and went back into the hall. The bathroom was free so he slipped in and quickly showered. Just under fifteen minutes later, Richie stepped out of the shower and brushed his teeth as he tried to dry himself with his other hand.

“Richie, you in there?” His mother called through the door, giving it a few light knocks.

“Yeah mom, just a sec,” Richie called back, jumping about as he pulled on his jeans, slipping his whole calf through the rip in the knee in his haste.

He fumbled his way out of the room, towel draped over his head as he buttoned up his jeans, t-shirt held tight in his armpit.

“Sorry mom,” Richie said, leaning in to kiss the top of Maggie’s head.

“It’s alright,” she murmured with a smile as she bustled into the room.

Trying to get his hair as dry as he could, Richie made his way back to his room. He flicked the radio on and the smooth enthusiastic tones of Freddy Mercury came through the small speakers. Richie spun around his room, singing along as he continued to towel his hair. He gave himself a generous spray of deodorant before he pulled his t-shirt over his head.

His eyes fell onto the Garfield alarm on his bedside table. He still had a fair amount of time, but had too much energy to just sit around and wait. Richie went over to his wardrobe as Freddy turned into Whitney and flicked through his collection of flannel shirts. He needed something suitable for the snapping autumn chill, but something loud enough that Eddie would be forced to comment on it. Eventually he picked something out, clashing colours that would drive Eddie mad, and pulled it on. He covered that with his signature denim jacket, tugged on his boots and thudded down the stairs.

When Richie left the house, humming as he danced his way off of the porch, his dad’s car was already gone. Richie always waited for his dad to go first. He was awful at manoeuvring in tight spaces and he definitely couldn’t parallel park. The only person he’d ever seen do it was Mike, they’d all stood around as he smoothly slid Bill’s rusty Ford into the space, Stan had started to slow clap as Mike climbed out and they’d all followed him as Mike shook his head bowing for them.

Making his way to his car, Richie scuffed fallen leaves against the floor. He supposed that he’d be sweeping them this weekend for some extra allowance if he wanted to take Eddie to see Addams Family Values for his birthday in a few weeks. Richie pulled out his keys and patted the driver door.

“Hello Dolly,” Richie murmured fondly as he unlocked the car.

Richie loved his truck, it was the kind of car that a million country songs were written about, he could just imagine driving it down to Nashville and having every cowboy in a hundred miles swoon at the sight of it. It was also a piece of shit that he and Eddie had lovingly brought back to life. It was their baby and Richie treated it as such, it was the most care he’d taken with anything he had ever owned.

She was a cherry red pickup that they’d called Dolly because she was a lovely southern bell, and they just loved Dolly Parton.

He hopped in, jostling the pickup with his weight, smiling to himself as he started her up and the engine ticked over smoothly. The radio kicked to life with the car and the roaring tones of Taylor Dayne came through the speakers, begging for Richie to tell it to her heart. Richie sang along, loud, obnoxious and out of tune as he backed out into the road.

The drive over to Eddie’s was short and Richie only got through two songs before he was pulling up outside the house, switching the radio off with a flick of his wrist because the noise would put Sonia Kaspbrak’s panties in a twist and neither of them needed that hassle, especially so early in the morning.

Richie tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he waited for Eddie. Eventually, after maybe five minutes of waiting, Eddie came bouncing out of the house and down the porch. That sweet sunshine smile brightened up the autumn dim.

“G’morning princess,” Richie said in southern drawl as Eddie climbed into the passenger seat. He pulled out as soon as Eddie was buckled up, neither of them wanted to sit outside Eddie’s house for too long, there were exactly two too many prying eyes for their liking.

“Did you eat breakfast?” Eddie asked, trying for stern even as the blush spread treacherously across his cheeks.

“Completely forgot,” Richie said honestly. It was kind of a miracle that he’d even managed to get down that glass of orange juice. He was too focused on getting back to Eddie, he had a one track mind.

“Here,” Eddie said, shoving a ginger cookie against Richie’s lips, making Richie laugh.

Richie opened his mouth but took the cookie from Eddie’s hand too as he navigated the streets toward their high school. Eddie switched the radio back on and hummed along to the pop tracks.

“You got track practice today?” Richie asked. Track had been the first thing Eddie had thrown himself into after the monumental fight with his mother. And boy was Eddie fast. Richie had always gotten a real kick out of watching Eddie run in those short shorts that were as red as his pickup, with those firm thighs that Richie dreamed about on display as he sprinted around the track. Richie had been there, cheering Eddie on as often as he could. Eddie may not have been popular, but he was good for the track team so the jocks at least ignored him, which meant that no one really messed with Eddie anymore. That was a load off of Richie’s mind. All Richie had to worry about now was his own ass, which generally got a beating about once a month, which was a hell of a lot less frequent than it used to be. Things were generally better than middle school, not great but a hell of a lot better than they had been.

“Yeah,” Eddie said with a nod, “you’re not gonna watch are you?” he asked, frowning as he looked up at Richie. Eddie had banned Richie from watching practice, especially since they’d started dating. He was just too enthusiastic and made crude chants. The coach had even come over to the bleachers to tell him, in about as nice a way as the bully’s did, to leave. Eventually Eddie had asked him himself to stop coming and Richie had agreed as long as he could still come to actual races.

“Nah,” Richie said, shaking his head softly and spilling crumbs down the front of his shirt as Eddie’s frown deepened, “I’ve got some mad math project to do with Stan, but I’ll drive ya home,” he added, smiling down at Eddie as he took another bite of the cookie before he turned his eyes back to the road.

“You sure, ‘cause you don’t have to wait around for me,” Eddie said, Richie could see his vague blurry outline shifting in the passenger seat through his peripheral vision, as though Richie offering to do what he always did was too much, that Eddie didn’t deserve it.

“I know you guys think that I’m just a natural genius, but I do really have to study and work on things,” Richie said, brushing off Eddie’s insecurity as he turned onto Main Street. “And of course I’m gonna wait for you, it’s my duty as your boyfriend,” he added, smirking as he reached over and pinched at Eddie’s cheek.

Eddie smacked Richie’s hand away and Richie returned it to the steering wheel. A song Richie knew came on the radio and Richie took the opportunity to sing along as loudly as he could and as badly as he could. Eddie started squawking at Richie to stop before joining in with him, smiling and laughing as he sang as loud and as bad as Richie, as though it were a competition.

It wasn’t long before they were pulling into the high school. Nothing was that far away from anything else in Derry, it was a small town with small town sensibilities and it would stay that way forever.

He pulled into a free space and put the pickup into park as he killed the engine. He looked over at Eddie as the other pulled his backpack onto his shoulder and suddenly Richie felt like he was in a movie. Like he was in one of those art house movies where beautiful people smoke in rust belt diners as they speak about how much they yearn for something new while doing nothing to change anything, the kind of movie where people realise that home is wherever the people you love are. He had the strongest urge to lean over and kiss Eddie. Richie knew he couldn’t, he knew that someone would see and then their lives as they knew it would be over, but his body ached with the need to show his affection.

Richie was far too familiar with the specific pain of yearning for something he knew he could do but never would, at least not in this life time.

Even if they were adults, Richie would never stand too close to Eddie out on the street, let alone kiss him. A few years back, not long after the terror of Henry Bowers had left their lives, a couple like him and Eddie had been beaten to a pulp. One of them was even hospitalised. The damn thugs had tried to throw him over a bridge and into the river, he probably would have died from the fall, but they had been too drunk to properly hoist him up. Richie thought about that every time he wanted to kiss Eddie in public. It was awful, but it always stopped him from doing something stupid.

Richie was so deep in his thoughts that when Bill smacked the driver’s side window, Richie nearly jumped out of his seat, ginger cookie snapping in half in his fingers.

“What the fuck Billiam,” Richie yelled at him through the glass before he rolled the window down.

“H-h-hey guys,” Bill said, smiling cordially at them as he gave a small wave through the window.

“Hi Bill,” Eddie said, smiling softly across Richie at Bill. Eddie undid his seatbelt and jumped out of the car.

“You done trying to give me a fucking heart attack?” Richie asked, hand clutched to his chest and his head lulled back against the headrest, melodramatic like an amateur playing it up for the backseats. Bill huffed a weak laugh.

“You buh-better not have f-f-forgotten to bring my lie-library book back,” Bill said firmly as he stared at Richie, fingers curled over the edge of the open window. “If I duh-don’t give that back, Mrs. Huh-h-hillhouse is guh-gonna kill me,” he added, brows raised as he tried for pleading, which never worked on Richie.

“I’ve got your book Big Bill, don’t worry about that,” Richie said with a sigh as he finally unbuckled his seatbelt. “You gotta let me out of the damn truck if you want me to give it to ya,” he continued, fingers curled around the door handle as Eddie came around to Bill’s side, waiting a little further away at the hood of the car.

“Buh-book first,” Bill said, his smile returned as he leaned through the window, hand held out between them.

“I could just climb out of the other side,” Richie pointed out, smugly gesturing to the passenger side.

“Ruh-Richie,” Bill groaned and made a grab for Richie’s ratty backpack, which was held between his legs, grunting as he had to all but jump into the car to reach it.

“You know, you could just ask if you wanted to feel me up Billy Boy,” Richie said, leaning over to whisper sultry into Bill’s ear.

“Just guh-give me the f-f-fucking book Richard,” Bill struggled out, gritting his teeth as he thrashed, trying to pulling the backpack from Richie’s grip.

“Then stop manhandling me William,” Richie returned staring back at Bill, this was such a waste of time, and if Richie didn’t get to properly say goodbye to Eddie before school started then he’d flip his fucking lid.

Bill sighed and rolled his eyes, which was distinctly a Stanley move, he let go of Richie and slipped out of the car and back down to the ground. Richie pulled the offending book out and shoved it at Bill with far more force than was necessary. Bill took the book with an aggrieved ‘thank you’ and stepped away from the car. Richie jumped out of the cab, closed the door and locked up the car, before joining the others as they made their way across the parking lot to the school.

Richie pushed between them and threw his arms over Bill and Eddie’s shoulders.

“Just another day in paradise eh?” Richie said as he looked between them. Bill scoffed as Eddie rolled his eyes. He squeezed Eddie a little closer to him as they made their way through the entrance, it was the last time he’d be able to be so close to Eddie until school was over.


	2. 1993: Part Two

“Hey Eds, do you think Mike Myers is hiding behind one of these bushes,” Richie asked pointing out the tall hedges as they made their way through the school’s parking lot to Dolly.

“Fuck off Richie, fuck off,” Eddie twisted his head to the hedges and then swiftly back to Richie, spitting his words furiously up at him. “You know that stuff freaks me out.”

“Doesn’t it just make you wanna hide out with me until the morning comes?” Richie asked, smirking as he strode around Eddie, dancing circles around him.

“Isn’t that what we always do?” Eddie said, as he looked back over at the school. There was something in his eyes, something far away, something that clutched at Richie’s heart with Freddy Krueger fingers.

“It won’t always be like that Eds,” Richie murmured, smiling reassuringly as he dropped his arm over Eddie’s shoulders.

“Don’t call me that Richie, you know I hate it when you call me that,” Eddie muttered and ducked out from under Richie’s arm, skittering away from him.

“Eddie,” Richie sighed as Eddie made his way around the truck.

Richie unlocked Dolly and climbed inside as Eddie did the same on the opposite side. A strange yet tense silence fell over them and it made Richie’s hackles raise, silence was the enemy and Eddie knew that, which only made the situation worse. Was Eddie doing this on purpose or was there just something on his mind? It was honestly hard for Richie to tell.

“Are you alright Eddie?” Richie asked as he started the engine and the radio came on, spilling loud guitar riffs into the quiet cab. Eddie just shrugged.

The rest of the drive passed by in silence, it made the music sound intrusive, as though it was interrupting something that Richie couldn’t quite put his finger on. He both couldn’t wait until they got to Eddie’s house and never wanted to reach it. Richie hated the tense silence, but he didn’t know what to say. He pulled up to a stop outside Eddie’s house without managing to say a damn thing.

He turned to Eddie, hoping that he would have something to say, but Eddie seemed to be waiting for Richie to say something too.

“I’ll see ya after dinner, yeah?” Richie asked hopefully, smiling as he watched Eddie scramble out of the car.

“I’ll leave the light on,” Eddie said, face ducked sheepishly as he dropped onto the street. Richie would have made a comment about what light from yonder window breaks and the sun being in the east and Eddie being the sun and Juliet at the same time, but Eddie looked pensive, chewing on his bottom lip like he had something on his mind so Richie thought better of it.

Richie just nodded as their eyes met and Eddie closed the door. He didn’t wait to watch Eddie walk up to his porch, mostly because he didn’t want to drive for too long while his mind was swimming with thoughts he knew weren’t true and the fact that Sonia would hate to see him sat there in her driveway, which she would definitely give Eddie shit about. Still, his mind went a mile a minute as he drove the short distance back to his home.

He thought about the moment that Eddie had gone quiet, back in the parking lot, Richie ground his teeth at the memory. They were hiding. Of course they were hiding, look at where they lived, there wasn’t a park bench in the whole town without a slur written or craved into it. Even the kissing bridge wasn’t safe. Graffiti promised his long and painful death right next to where he’d carved in his and Eddie’s initials, that one really ground his gears and boiled his blood. They were hiding for their safety.

If he could, Richie would be screaming about his undying love for Eddie from the fucking rooftops. He’d buy a billboard in town with Eddie’s face on it saying ‘have you seen this boy, he’s not lost, I just wanted you to know that I love him, signed Richie Tozier.’ He would pass out flyers in the halls of their high school. He would write it in the fucking sky, but he couldn’t and he wouldn’t, not just because it would put him in danger but because it would put Eddie in danger and he wouldn’t ever let that happen.

His thoughts were consuming him so much that he almost drove straight past his house. Richie smacked the steering wheel before he reversed into the driveway, grinding his teeth as he stopped too close to the house to get out of the driver’s side. Clambering out of the passenger side, Richie stumbled to the ground, knees almost buckling as his feet hit the concrete. His heart was hammering wildly in his chest and just wouldn’t calm down.

With a shaky hand, Richie pulled out his keys and struggled to open the door. As the seconds ticked on, Richie began to get more and more frustrated with himself, and when he finally got the door open it slammed wildly against the hall wall. The suddenness of the sound made Richie flinch and the way it echoed through the empty house made him feel awfully alone.

Richie stepped inside and slowly pushed the front door closed.

He kicked off his boots in the entryway, pushing them with his feet out of the way before he moved through the house. It was starting to get a little dim as he made his way over to the kitchen.

Richie made himself a coffee, which was probably a bad idea but he just wanted the taste and needed something to busy himself with. He sat with his coffee and watched the news, something he only did if he wanted to hang out with his dad in the evenings, apparently the IRS was giving some church Richie vaguely remembered hearing about tax exemption and some people were really mad about it. 

He parents would be back soon and Richie had no excuse made up for his clear agitation. His go to lie was that someone was mad at him, it felt like Eddie was mad at him but Richie wasn’t entirely sure what he’d done wrong, it was probably his fault though.

Things were tense enough inside his mind without any outward issues. And it sucked, it sucked because things had been going so well recently, they were planning Eddie’s birthday and their first anniversary, and school had only started a month ago so things weren’t too hectic considering the AP classes he was in. Things were going well and he didn’t need to fuck it up by mentioning something that neither of them wanted to think about.

Richie shot up onto his feet and took the now empty coffee mug back into the kitchen. He rinsed the mug at the sink. He needed something to do with his hands, but more importantly he needed something to occupy his mind.

He went up to his bedroom, leaving the coffee mug to dry on the side, and started doing something he only did when he needed to get out of his mind. Richie cleaned his room. It definitely wasn’t the best time to do it, he was upset and the light was fading, but he had to do something. The rest of the day slid past in a strange haze as Richie tried to keep his mind going.

When his parents came home, Richie’s mom scolded him for the leaving the TV on, begged him to stop his so called cleaning and come down to help with dinner.

Even as he was eating dinner with his parents, Richie didn’t feel as though he was really there. It felt like his mind was a snowball, rolling down a mountain, picking up more snow on its way down only to fall apart as it hit the bottom. He tried to keep the conversation going as though nothing was bothering him, but his parents were on to him, he was being too obvious.

“Is something wrong Richie?” His mother asked, not so subtly.

“No,” Richie returned, chewing hard on his food, equally as subtly. Went, his father, scoffed from across the table.

“Come now Richard, don’t lie to your mother,” his father said, brow arched at Richie.

“Just, it’s nothing,” Richie said, dropping his knife and fork down on the table.

“Did something happen with Eddie?” His mother asked, she rested a gentle hand on his arm.

Richie closed his eyes and swallowed. His parents knew all about Eddie’s issues with his awful mother, Maggie had been the one to subtly point it out to Richie when he was nine, she’d opened their home to Eddie and Richie would never be able to make it up to her.

“I think he’s mad at me,” Richie conceded, he leaned back in his chair and pushed his hand through his hair.

“Well, did he say he was mad at you?” Went asked, taking a sip of his wine.

“No,” Richie replied with a tilt of his head, “but people don’t have to say that they’re mad for you to know they’re mad,” he continued, hands moving in the air as he tried to convince his dad who only shrugged in reply.

“What did you do?” Maggie asked, her tone was far more gentle than Went’s, gritting her teeth as she struggled to cut her slice of beef. She always made it a little too tough.

“I dunno, I was just joking around,” Richie said with a shrug, non-committal as he looked over at his mother. It was half true, he was only joking, but that wasn’t why Eddie’s mood had changed so drastically. The joke wasn’t the problem, it was his choice of words and he really should have known better. He sat back up and began to skewer his food mostly just for something to do.

“You’re always just joking around,” his mother returned. She stared over at him with that warning gaze she always used when he had pushed things too far. Richie shoved his food into his mouth, chewing harshly. “It’s hard to know when you’re being serious,” she went on, finally cutting free her slice of beef.

“I know mom, I just want to clear it up but there wasn’t an opportunity,” Richie explained, scraping his knife against the plate, making all of them wince, “but that will have to wait until tomorrow ‘cause it’s not like I can just call him up,” he added, dropping his cutlery again, “his mom will go ape.”

“You should really try harder with his mother, I know she’s-“

“A bitch?” Richie cut in harshly.

“Richie,” his mother sighed, he was being difficult on purpose and they all knew it, but Richie thought it was fine considering that he was right.

“The boy has a point Maggie, there are some people that there’s just no point trying to reason with,” Went said, chuckling slightly, “that woman hated Richie on sight.”

“See, dad gets it,” Richie said, gesturing to his father with his fork.

“And you’re awful at apologies,” his father added smartly.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence dad,” Richie laughed, smiling sharply at Went.

“I just meant that wouldn’t things be easier for Eddie if you tried,” Maggie cut back in, trying to get back to the parental point she was making, but Richie already knew what she was getting at.

He had tried to get on Sonia’s good side many times, but he could never keep his mouth shut for long enough, then she would kick him out of her house and beg Eddie not to be around him anymore. Eddie, of course, had never listened to her. He had listened to her about so many things, but Eddie never listened to her about his friends. That probably only made Sonia hate them more.

Richie held the strange paranoia that Sonia knew, that Sonia knew about him and about Eddie and about them together. Maybe she didn’t know on a conscious level, but there were things she would do and say that made Richie’s skin crawl, that made him think that she could see straight through him as though he were transparent. It could have been that or it could have been that she was just _that_ homophobic. The jury was out on that one. She had always hated Richie the most though. Maybe it was a mother’s intuition, maybe that was why Richie’s own mother always asked after Eddie first.

“At this point, if I just did a one eighty, I think she’d get real suspicious,” Richie said, “I just try to avoid her,” he had thought this through and that was what had always worked best.

“I guess that’s for the best,” his mom said with another sigh.

They finished up dinner and Richie offered to wash the dishes, which earned him an arched brow but no complaints. He stood over the sink and avoided his reflection in the dark window.

He couldn’t help but think that maybe he wouldn’t find Eddie’s light on that night. The thought of walking through the lonely dark streets only to find all the lights out in the Kaspbrak house made him shiver, a plate slipped through his fingers and clanged against the bottom of the sink. It would be like trying to sail toward the lighthouse only to find the gnarled teeth of shore to crash his body into.

Richie gripped the edge of the counter, dripping water down the cupboard and onto the floor, and took a shuddering breath as he stared at his own pale reflection. There was something eerie about staring out a window only to find yourself staring back. Richie finished washing up and put the dishes away as quick as he could, he shoved the plates into the cupboard and they scraped against each other, and dropped the cutlery haphazardly into the drawer and slammed it closed.

There was no way that he could sit with his parents all night. They would know that he was still bent out of shape about Eddie, they would know that it was more than just a simple upset over another one of Richie’s jokes. He would expose himself. Richie already felt exposed just moving through the hallway, as though his thoughts could be read through his movements.

Making his way up the stairs, Richie tried to leave no impression, tried to make no sound. He went into his bedroom and actually made an attempt at his homework the day he got it, which he never did. The homework took him about an hour, or at least an hour until he gave up.

Richie turned out the lights and pulled out his pack of cigarettes from his hiding place. He slowly and quietly pushed the window open. The chill air of the autumn evening drifted into the room, Richie let it bite at him. He used to be able to sit on the windowsill but he hadn’t stopped growing and now at six three, there was no way he could comfortably sit in the window so he sat beneath it. Resting his chin on the windowsill, Richie smoked and watched the smoke twist and turn on its way out into the night.

Smoking alleviated the gut churning tension that swallowed his every thought. He would have to brush his teeth before he went over to Eddie’s though, there was no way that Eddie would let Richie kiss him if he tasted like nicotine.

After two cigarettes, Richie closed the window, put the pack away, changed into pyjamas and made his way to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth diligently and even used mouthwash, but he still didn’t floss despite his father’s insistence.

He padded his way back into his room, back to the comforting darkness as he tried not to think. Richie switched the radio on low. At this time of night and when he was feeling lost and awful, Richie would listen to the advice show on talk radio, a nice older woman who was some kind of therapist would deliver gentle and kind advice to complete strangers. The whole idea of it was just nice and the sound of her voice was soothing to Richie.

Eyeing his obnoxious clock, Richie counted down the minutes as he tried not to relax so much that he fell asleep. A woman, younger than the host but older than Richie, called in about her mother’s suffocating expectations and micromanaging of her whole life. Richie tried not to think about Eddie, but that was always a losing battle.

The instant the clock read ten thirty Richie carefully got out of bed and left his room.

Silence pervaded through the house. Richie felt like a ghost moving through his own home, like he was unwanted, a nuisance opening and closing cupboards on a search for nothing. He poured himself a glass of water and zipped up his hoodie. With his boots in hand, Richie took the key off the peg and slipped out of the house, he stepped around the back porch in his socks.

Sat with his legs dangling off the edge of the porch, Richie pulled on his boots and stepped down onto the grass. He scaled the fence and dropped onto the other side behind Dolly. He moved quietly between the cars, praying that he didn’t set off his dad’s alarm, and was finally out onto the street.

There was a chill, biting at Richie’s skin the same way his itchy sense of unease continued to. He walked through the streets with his hands shoved into his pockets. Sure there was a curfew and at sixteen Richie was still under that rule, but he hadn't been caught out yet so he figured that there was no harm in taking the sidewalk route, at least until he got caught. He wanted to have a cigarette to calm himself down, but the thought of not being able to kiss Eddie was too much for him to handle.

When he finally got to Eddie’s house, the light was on.

The light was on and that sight untwisted the knot in Richie’s gut. A soft orange glow spilled out into the night, calling him, calling Richie to the only true home he knew, to Eddie. His heart roared inside him.

As quietly and as carefully as he could, Richie scaled the side of the house and tapped Eddie’s window lightly. Through the glass, Richie spied Eddie bent up on his bed flicking through a comic rested over his thighs, the warm glow from the lamp lit him in gentle tones. Eddie lifted his head and a smile spread across his face as he got off of the bed and made his way to the window.

Eddie pushed the window open and stepped back to let Richie climb inside. Richie clung onto Eddie’s shoulders to steady himself, trying to be as quiet as he possibly could. Once inside, Richie pulled off his shoes and left them under the window like he always did. Eddie closed the window behind him.

“Eddie, about earlier, I know you probably don’t want to talk about it but it’s been on my mind, and yeah I hate hiding too but I’d never want to do anything that might put you in danger,” Richie explained as he rambled quietly between them.

“I’m not angry at you Richie,” Eddie said softly. He drew Richie into his arms, hands against the curve of his back, fingers sliding over the edges of Richie’s shoulder blades. 

“Oh, okay,” Richie replied softly. Face pressed into the crook of Eddie’s neck, he held Eddie close and sighed as he breathed in the scent of the other, he went a little boneless as he let Eddie’s warmth seep into him and the tension unravelled inside him.

“It’s not your fault that everyone in this town is a fucking piece of shit,” Eddie muttered, fingers clutched in the fabric of Richie’s hoodie. “I just wanna be with you, why’s that so hard?” he asked rhetorically, his breath quaked against Richie and he felt the shudder between them.

“I don’t know Eds, I don’t know,” Richie said softly as he pulled Eddie back, holding Eddie’s face in his hands, he looked down at the smaller boy and hated the tired sadness he found there. He pressed their foreheads together, fingers sliding into Eddie’s hair.

“Just kiss me,” Eddie murmured, brushing their noses together. 

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Richie said, nodding as he leaned forward, holding Eddie against him. He kissed Eddie like he’d been aching to all day. Richie sunk into the sensation of Eddie warm and alive in his arms, kissing him back with just as much fervour. 

Richie pressed Eddie hard against the wall, making way too much noise for someone who was supposed to be asleep, tucked tightly in bed. Eddie went rigid, spine a ramrod straight against his back. They breathed audibly in the tense silence between them as they waited for something to happen.

“You alright in there Eddie-bear?” His mom called from somewhere down the hall. Eddie’s eyes went wide, like a deer in the headlights, fear paralysing him against the wall. Richie dipped his head and nuzzled his face into the crook of Eddie’s neck, trying to warm Eddie’s frozen muscles.

She wouldn’t come into the room. That had been one of the things Eddie had put his foot down about after the whole ‘medicine’ debacle. No more ‘medicine’, no more hospital visits, no more stopping him from joining in gym class or the track team, no more barging into his room whenever she wanted to as long as he got home before curfew and kept his grades up. Just thinking of Eddie, at thirteen, standing up to his bulldozer of a mother sent thrills all over Richie’s body. Eddie really was braver than he’d ever know.

“Yeah, j-just dropped a book mom,” Eddie replied lamely, eyes skittering about the room as he crossed his fingers behind Richie’s back. 

“Well, be careful,” she replied, the air was tense behind those words, as though there was more she wanted to say, more she needed to warn him of.

“Alright ma, I’ll be careful,” Eddie said, rolling his eyes as Richie slid his fingers through Eddie’s soft chocolate hair, smiling at each other conspiratorially.

Sometimes Richie wished that she would just catch them, lip locked and pressed against the wall, he wanted to see the look on her face when she realised it was him crashing against her son and not a book falling to the floor. He wanted her to know that he’d been sneaking into her house for years. Of course he knew that nothing good would come out of it, and that she would just use it as an opportunity to isolate Eddie and maybe send him to one of those camps that Richie had seen pamphlets for at his parents’ church.

“Maybe I should go down, say hi,” Richie joked, smirking as he pressed his lips to Eddie’s cheek, “show her some of the loving that makes you all gooey,” he added, kissing his way up to Eddie’s temple as Eddie groaned beneath him.

“My mom hates you, you know that right?” Eddie barked in a sharp hush, sneering up at Richie. “She says that you’re a bad influence on me,” he continued, frowning as he looked away.

“She knows I get better grades than you? I’m in fucking AP classes,” Richie laughed, smothering the sound into the top of Eddie’s head, breathing in the scent of his hypoallergenic shampoo.

“She genuinely thinks there’s something wrong with you,” Eddie giggled, chest stuttering breathlessly as he pressed his face against Richie’s collarbone.

“Her and the whole fucking town, she’s not alone in that,” Richie muttered, he was half joking and half telling the truth or at least as Richie saw it.

“Richie,” Eddie said softly as he ran his hands up and down Richie’s arms. “We’re gonna get out of here, just two more years, and we’re out of here,” he said with such assurance and such conviction that it made Richie feel strong.

Eddie pushed him back and Richie went, the back of his calves hit the low bed and Richie made sure he was quiet as he settled down against the mattress. He watched as Eddie dropped down beside him.

“If only you weren’t so dead set on graduating high school,” Richie muttered, brows furrowed at Eddie’s blank ceiling. Sure, Richie wanted to graduate and go to college too, but if he could run away with Eddie right now, then he would drop everything and do it. He had heard that New York City was pretty okay for people like them and they could make it there in less than a day.

“It’s not just that, you know she’d come looking if we went now, she’d set the fucking cops on us,” Eddie said, voice quivering as his chest stuttered. Richie rubbed circles into the back of Eddie’s hand with his thumb, trying to soothe him as they both tried not to think about his long gone inhaler.

There wasn’t a doubt in Richie’s mind that Sonia would put the cops on them. She would declare Eddie a missing person, say that Richie had kidnapped him, and since they were still legally children they wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing about it.

Sonia wanted Eddie to go to college in state, she wanted him home every weekend, she wanted to keep him close by so she could continue to control his life. She’d warned him about using the dorm washing machines, they’d be full of mould and lice and VDs, and she had promised that she would wash all of his clothes if he came home every week. Richie was 99% sure that you couldn’t catch a venereal disease from someone else’s clothes. 

“Right,” Richie groaned, “fuck.”

“Two years,” Eddie said, squeezing Richie’s hand.

“I’ll be counting down the days like it’s fucking Christmas,” Richie said, smiling weakly as he kissed the back of Eddie’s hand before rolling toward the other, pressing their bodies together. They sought each other out in the low light. Grounding each other in the promise that they would leave Derry and they would leave it together.


	3. 1993: Part Three

Richie absolutely hated his job. Working at the gas station at the edge of town was bone achingly boring. At first Richie thought it would be interesting to see the kind of people that came through town and the regulars, to people watch and listen to the radio in the quiet hours but after his first month of absolutely nothing, the realisation hit Richie like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t anywhere near as dangerous as Eddie had made out.

The way Eddie spoke about it, you would think that gas stations got held up every hour on the hour, but that never happened. Nothing ever happened. Some nights Richie wished for a crime, to have someone hold up the shitty little gas station, just to pump some damn blood into his veins. Heck, he’d even go for someone just being generally creepy.

He’d mostly gotten the job so he could pay to fix up Dolly, then he’d used the money to get things for Eddie, to take Eddie out. The only problem with that was they had never really gone out, not like on a date or anything.

Their first anniversary was coming up next week, two days before Eddie’s birthday. They had decided to celebrate them together. It was easier to make it seem like they weren’t hiding anything if they hung out and did things on his birthday. All their friends knew anyway, so it wasn’t a hard sell. Still, the thought of having to sit through their first anniversary and act like it was any other normal day when Richie wanted to line the bed of his pickup with flowers and drive out to the quarry where they could watch the stars and play the radio as they spoke about everything and nothing and just enjoyed being together. Richie wanted something from the movies, when all he was going to get was another night of hiding out in Eddie’s bedroom.

Thinking about it just made his work harder. It was pointless to follow those circular thoughts when he knew he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. He didn’t have much else to think about though. He’d already got everything ready for Eddie’s birthday/their anniversary the week before, he was so excited about it too. The moment he’d saved up enough money, Richie had gone out and got everything he needed.

He was looking forward to it, but it felt like celebrating Christmas inside a prison. That might not have been a fair comparison, considering that he’d never been to prison, but Richie was frustrated and the constant buzzing of underline fear was honestly getting to him. 

The hours slowly ticked by until Meg, a fifty five year old widow who loved crosswords, came to take over the night shift. Richie worried about her being on her own all night but the manager had assured Richie that Meg could handle herself and anyway, nothing ever happened out here. For once Richie was glad that the job was so damn boring.

He drove Dolly home, tapping the steering wheel to the tune of whatever was playing on the radio. His mind was buzzing and nothing was helping to make it quiet. Richie figured it was about time to take his medication, without looking, he fumbled with his denim jacket and pulled out his pill bottle. While waiting at a red light, Richie opened the bottle and swallowed a pill raw. Eddie had always swallowed pills dry and when Richie had been prescribed his own medicine, he’d vowed to do the same. It made everyone wince, especially Eddie.

When he got home, his parents were sat in the living room, cosily tucked together on the couch. His father was watching the news while his mother tried to ignore it by reading Wuthering Heights for the billionth time. Richie tried to imagine him and Eddie like that.

Richie would be watching the news because it reminded him of his dad and he needed to stay up to date to know what the hell his dad would be talking to him about on the phone, Eddie would be desperately trying to ignore it because the news made him nervous. Eddie would probably tell him to switch it off, ask him why he didn’t just read the newspaper or something. Richie couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

“Hullo parents,” Richie said, announcing his presence in an accent he’d picked up from Oliver Twist.

“Hey honey, how was work?” Maggie asked, clearly glad for the interruption, she smiled up at him as she leaned against the arm rest.

“Same old,” Richie said with a shrug. He wished he had something interesting to tell her, he wished that something interesting had happened, but it hadn’t. Richie’s mind was empty and that was never good.

“Your dinner’s in the microwave,” she said, fingers curled around the book in her lap, “heat it up for a minute and no more,” she added sternly. Richie was never going to live down the time he tried to re-heat a few slices of pizza and turned it into a charcoal mess that smoked out the entire kitchen.

“One minute,” Richie said, saluting her as he left the room.

As he watched the plate spin around behind the glass of the microwave door, Richie’s mind wandered like it always did.

Their anniversary was so close and Richie was kind of dreading it. They wouldn’t be able to do anything, he wouldn’t be able to show the affection that he wanted to completely smother Eddie with, he wouldn’t be able to so much as say the damn words ‘happy anniversary’. The microwave pinged tearing Richie from his thoughts.

He got out a dinner tray and took his dinner into the living room. He needed the distraction and his father’s comments on the news and his mother’s desire to run away from it were more than enough. Richie spent the rest of the night discussing politics with his parents, he was probably the only kid in town that enjoyed that, which gave him a funny kind of thrill.

Eventually his parents went off to bed and Richie followed them. He went up into his own room, lied on his bed and listened to the radio. Dragging his eyes over the flat formless ceiling, Richie wondered what Eddie was doing at that moment, he wondered if Eddie was lying on his bed the same way that Richie was. The thought was romantic and he bit his lip as he smiled.

He wasn’t going to sneak out that night. Richie kind of wanted to, the thought of waking up on the morning of their anniversary with Eddie beside him made Richie’s heart melt like wax to a flame. He couldn’t do it though and he had told Eddie as much. He couldn’t do it because he knew he wouldn’t want to leave Eddie’s room, he knew he’d beg Eddie to say he was sick and stay home from school, and the fact that the thought even crossed his mind scared Richie a little.

If Eddie told his mom that he was sick, then she’d be dragging him to the doctor’s office because old habits die hard or whatever. The whole day would turn into an argument. Richie knew this because Eddie had come to his house one Saturday, sick as a dog, just to escape his mom. Eddie and his mom had been arguing all week about his cold. That Saturday, Eddie had pretended to be fine and spent the whole day sleeping in Richie’s bed. Richie had thoroughly enjoyed taking care of Eddie, but the reason Eddie was there made his blood boil.

So Richie lied in his lonely, empty bed as the alt rock radio station played at a low volume from his nightstand and fell asleep in his clothes. Something he knew Eddie would hate and would have chewed his ear off about had he known.

* * *

The actual day of their anniversary was hell. Richie felt uneasy the entire day, he couldn’t concentrate on a damn thing and couldn’t sit still for more than a minute or so. Every time he saw Eddie, his stomach would churn. Guilt twisted in his gut. It wasn’t fair and Richie had spent his entire life learning that it was just how life went. First ADHD, then Henry Bowers, then being bisexual and falling for one of his best friends. The best that life had given him was decent parents and Eddie’s love. He didn’t know what he’d do if Eddie didn’t return his feelings, it would have been no less than torture.

The closest they got all day was during lunch, sat side by side on the bench with their feet touching. Richie ate his peanut butter and jelly sandwich feeling very much like he was committing a crime. He kept eyeing the room pensively until Stan flicked an apple core at him to get his attention, pulling him back into the conversation and stopping him from worrying.

Richie couldn’t wait for the day to be over, couldn’t wait to slip out of his house and into Eddie’s window. It was the only thing that kept him going through the day.

The drive back to Eddie’s house was maybe the worst he’d ever driven. There were so many people around that there was no way he could touch Eddie the way he wanted to, at least not without someone seeing them. The air inside the cab was charged and Richie’s skin was electric.

When he pulled up outside Eddie’s house, he didn’t know what to do. There was something buzzing between them, like static electricity popping in the air around them, and it didn’t have anywhere to go.

“I’ll see you later Rich,” Eddie said softly, watching Richie as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

“Yeah,” Richie murmured in return, blinking slow at Eddie, “see you.”

Richie wanted to reach out, grip his fist in the front of Eddie’s mint polo shirt, and pull him in for a bone crushing kiss. Instead he let Eddie go. Smiling through the passenger side window as Eddie gave him a small wave before making his way up the path to his house.

A few hours later, Richie fumbled his way out of his home. He definitely made too much noise in his haste to return to Eddie, but he didn’t care, couldn’t care because getting to Eddie was all that was on his mind. His top priority.

Richie strode through the streets. He pushed his hands deep into his pockets as he walked briskly over the damp concrete, watching a smeared blur of his reflection in the shallow puddles. Richie didn’t know what he would do if a cop decided to drive by and catch him out after curfew. He didn’t have an excuse and even if he did he knew the cop would just insist that he went home, would probably drive him back even.

He wanted to run, but that would draw too much attention. Some nosey citizen would look out their window, catch sight of him sprinting down the street, instantly assume he’s up to no good and call the police. Richie forced himself to just keep walking.

The glow from Eddie’s window quickly came into view. Richie’s vision tunnelled, there might as well have been nothing else in the whole universe besides himself and that window as far as Richie was concerned.

A shadow passed and stopped in front of the light, casting the window into darkness. Eddie was standing at the window. He was watching Richie. For a second he stood there, heart pounding as he watched Eddie watching him, before he rushed to the house.

Scaling the side of the house was a little more difficult than usual, since it had been raining all day. It took more effort and care than Richie really had the capacity for in that moment. Eventually he made it though. Breathing hard and sweating slightly, he clambered into Eddie’s bedroom.

They stood opposite each other, standing a little too close, breathing in each other’s air.

“Hey,” Eddie murmured, head tilted back as he looked up at Richie, all wide eyed and cherry cheeked. His breath tickled Richie’s mouth.

“Hey,” Richie returned, lips quirking into a smile as he reached out to Eddie and pressed their lips together. He was still smiling as they kissed. It was something quick and soft, just another hello between them.

When Richie pulled away, he couldn’t help but smile dopily at Eddie, who was smiling back at him.

“Happy anniversary,” Richie whispered and Eddie laughed.

“Happy anniversary,” Eddie replied. He moved around Richie and closed the window behind him. The soft whoosh and thud closed the room around them, they were finally alone.

Eddie was stood in front of the window, smiling something toothy and wide at Richie, it turned his legs to jelly and melted his heart to honey. Then Eddie rushed him. Their bodies crashed together, waves upon the shore.

Richie held Eddie against him as they kissed, slower than Eddie’s approach made it seem, lips moving together like chewing taffy. Eddie’s fingers slipped into Richie’s hair, playing with the ends as they sunk into each other. If anyone could saw them right then they’d have their lives ruined and yet what they were doing wasn’t anywhere close to the worst thing Richie had witnessed at school. There were a lot of things that Richie had seen that he wanted bleach his eyes for. It was a little funny considering how they all accused Richie and Eddie of being perverts, when straight teens were allowed to neck each other in public. 

They broke apart, breathing heavily in the small distance between them, still clinging to each other. The sight of Eddie’s shining and kiss bruised lips washed all other thoughts out of his mind. It didn’t matter that they couldn’t do this out in the open, the fact that they got to do it at all was a miracle on its own as far as Richie was concerned.

“I’m so glad that you confessed your feelings to me, but I still can’t believe you thought I was avoiding you because I was homophobic,” Richie said, unable to stop himself from ruffling Eddie’s hair, smiling wide and lopsided as he laughed.

“You didn’t help with that, every time I mentioned something even kind of gay, you freaked out and left the room,” Eddie said, obviously frustrated despite how quiet he was trying to be.

“Yeah, and that’s what got us together,” Richie returned, laughing as Eddie swatted his hand away.

“I think it would have taken less time if you just told me how you felt,” Eddie whined, dropping down onto his bed. He pulled out his newest stack of comic books and set them down on the mattress. Reading comic books together had been a staple in their relationship, it was one of the first things they’d ever done together, it was kind of romantic in a way. At least it made Richie’s heart soar at the sight.

“Hey, we got there eventually,” Richie said, throwing his arms out. He was genuinely proud of how far they had come for two queer boys in a famously homophobic town.

“Yeah, I’m glad we got here,” Eddie said, smiling softly at Richie, eyes fluttering in the low light. Richie clambered atop the bed, like a moth to a flame, kissing Eddie on the cheek before opening the new Dare Devil.


	4. 1993: Part Four

Richie drove Eddie over to the strip mall where the new movie theatre was, the others were going in Stan’s sensible Volvo. God only knew why Derry needed two movie theatres, but Richie was pretty sure that one of them was going to go out of business any time now. The math just didn’t add up. There could be only one poorly run theatre in town. He held Eddie’s hand as much as he could throughout the drive, even as Eddie complained about how dangerous it was he didn’t let go either.

They stopped off for lunch in the diner opposite the theatre, it was Eddie’s favourite place to grab a bite at any time of day and it was the perfect place for a birthday meal. The whole menu was filled to the brim with tooth rotting sugar filled dishes. Despite his feelings about dental hygiene, Eddie had the sweetest tooth that Richie had ever come across. 

Eddie crammed into the booth beside Richie, bodies pressed flush together down one side. It made Richie feel electric. It was almost like they were secret agents, slipping something under the nose of all the people around them.

They passed presents to Eddie over waffles, pancakes and crepes. Eddie blushed furiously as he opened each one, as though he couldn’t believe that these were all for him, despite it being his birthday. Each present was opened with the same glee and care. Eddie’s sweet smile permeated as he revealed each present, and the sight melted Richie’s heart like the whipped cream on Eddie’s waffle.

Bill got him one of those special water bottles that are designed to be held while running, it was something that Eddie had been gripping about for months and of course Bill had noticed. Ben got him a book that seemed to be some sort of coming of age story that Eddie seemed genuinely excited to read, Ben’s recommendations were always good, even Beverly had gotten through some decent sized books from Ben. Beverly never read because the stuff they were forced to read at school was all about guys yearning for their youth, Ben did his best to convince her that all books weren’t like that and gave her a few books by women and Beverly had been hooked ever since. Beverly had made Eddie a friendship bracelet, all beaded and cute, it matched the one on her wrist and he put it on straight away. Mike had gotten him a book by some famous runner that Richie had never heard of but the sight of it got Eddie bouncing in his seat. Stan got Eddie the softest sweater that Richie had ever touched, Eddie sighed as he pressed it against his cheek.

Watching Eddie, Richie was so filled with love, not just for Eddie but all of his friends. He didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky to have them all. Eddie’s snippy voice pulled him out of his dreamy reverie, round doe eyes furrowed as they stared up at him.

“Where’s my present Dickard?” Eddie asked sharply, but Richie, and probably the entire Losers Club, could tell that he was just trying to hide his excitement.

Richie thought about just handing over his present there and then, but he had it all planned out and he wasn’t going to ruin that just because Eddie’s puppy dog eyes were staring up at him, besides he’d left in the car anyways.

“Whoa,” Richie laughed, leaning away as he pulled on his collar, “you know, gotta save the best for last as they always say,” he added and draped an arm around Eddie’s shoulders, drawing the smaller close against his body.

Eddie pouted but said no more about it, blushing as he shovelled the sickly sweet food into his mouth. Richie watched him as fondness spread like warmth through his chest.

As they walked across the street to the theatre, Ben and Beverly crossed hand in hand. Richie would never show it, but he was viciously envious of Ben and Beverly. They were able to hold hands, kiss and generally be close to each other without people acting affronted or offended by their mere existence.

Sure they couldn’t act like a couple, but Richie could show his affection in the little things, like paying from Eddie’s ticket and buying them popcorn. They sat together, in the middle of the row, flanked by Bill and Stan on either side. Protected from the outside world. It was as nice as it was irritating, why couldn’t the world just accept who they were? It wasn’t like it was anyone else’s business anyway.

Richie shook his head. It wasn’t the time to think about that, it was Eddie’s birthday and Richie could hide in the darkness and pretend that they were just like everyone else for an hour and thirty.

The lights went down and the movie began. Eddie’s hand sought out Richie’s in the darkness, warm and soft against Richie’s calloused palm. His stomach fluttered with butterflies. The feeling of something that came so easy to other couples was a little overwhelming, Richie didn’t quite catch the beginning of the movie because he was focused on the way Eddie felt against him.

Once the movie was over and the lights came back on, Eddie’s hand slipped out of his grasp and Richie instantly ached at the loss. It was something he’d just have to get used to. Like all the other things that straight couples could do and he and Eddie couldn’t, Richie hated it but there wasn’t really anything he could do about it.

November always felt like slipping into the twilight zone. It never really got bright, the afternoon barely existed and every time it got dark Richie was surprised, but that probably had more to do with his bad time keeping than anything else. Although, time seemed to always feel strange in November too. Maybe it was because of Eddie, but that might have been too sappy of a thought, even for Richie.

They spilled out of the theatre and into the late afternoon darkness. Hugs and ‘happy birthday’s and ‘thank you’s were shared as they all bid each other good night and went their separate ways.

Richie guided Eddie back to the truck, arms full of the presents his friends had given him. He held the door open for Eddie and watched as Eddie piled the presents onto the passenger seat before he pulled himself up into the cab of the truck. Richie thought about pushing Eddie up by his ass but then thought better of it. Those innocent things, things that no one would bat an eyelash at, caught in Richie’s mind and soured. Anything could possibly put them in danger and Richie would never risk that.

Instead of doing anything to Eddie, Richie went around the front of the truck and jumped into the driver’s side. They didn’t set off right away. Eddie didn’t even give him the time to put the key in the ignition, he just dropped the haphazardly wrapped present into Richie’s lap with a spasmodic snap of his arm, suddenly full of nervous energy.

All thoughts of what other people might see or think fled Richie’s mind as he snatched the small present from his lap and tore it open. A smile wide and boundless spread across his face as he handled the cassette tape. There were sketched out drawings of flowers and hearts and dogs all over the cover, they even overlapped the track list which was neatly printed in capital letters.

“Wow Eds, thanks,” Richie murmured, fingers sliding over the plastic as he looked over at Eddie, Eddie who’s blush only made the freckles stand out more.

He quickly ejected the cassette from the player and jammed Eddie’s mixtape in. Finger bent, pressed hard against the play button, but it wouldn’t play. It wouldn’t play without the engine on. He fumbled to put the key into the ignition, and he turned it until the engine turned over. The music began straight away. Richie’s face lit up again, mouth splitting in half as Tiffany’s ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ came from the speaker. He figured it was as good background music as any.

“Now for the piece de resistance,” Richie said as he made a grand gesture of reaching under the bench seat to pull out the shoebox he’d hidden there. He set it down onto Eddie’s lap.

Eddie slowly lifted the lid of the shoebox and stared in awe at the contents. Richie already knew what was inside, a brand new pair of running shoes.

“Richie, I can’t take these,” Eddie said quietly, his bottom lip was quaking as he spoke, as though he was struggling to hold back tears.

“Sure you can because it’s your birthday slash anniversary present,” Richie said, squirming a little in his seat, anxious about Eddie’s reaction.

“These must have cost a lot,” Eddie murmured still staring down into the box, fingers curled around the outside, pressed against the cardboard.

“So? It’s a present Eds, the price shouldn’t matter,” Richie replied, smiling weakly at Eddie but he still wouldn’t look at him.

“But all I got you was a mixtape,” Eddie said, sounding dangerously close to crying.

“All? Spaghetti boy, this tape is everything,” Richie said, aghast as he held the tape case to his chest. “Eddie, I know you couldn’t have gotten anything expensive, you don’t have a job and it’s not like you could get your mom to give you some extra money,” he added when Eddie didn’t say anything or even look up at Richie.

“Maybe,” Eddie said with a shrug and a sniffle, finally sliding his eyes over to Richie.

“Maybe? Jesus Eds, stop worrying about it,” Richie said, he reached out and ruffled Eddie’s hair. “It’s the thought that counts and I can tell how much thought went into this,” he went on, waving the cassette case between them.

Eddie blushed viciously and ducked his head again. Richie knew that a lot of thought must have gone into making the mix-tape, Eddie’s mom never let him touch the radio and would definitely hate the sort of music that they liked. He would have to have waited until his mom was out to record the tape, and the recording alone was a nightmare.

Richie looked around, checking if there was anyone nearby that might see them before he leaned over to press a swift kiss to the side of Eddie’s head.

“Really, don’t worry about it Eds,” Richie said again as he flopped back against his seat.

“Stop calling me that,” Eddie spluttered, face cherry red as he held onto Richie’s forearm.

“There’s my boy,” Richie returned, smiling toothily as he spoke. The street light bled in through the windshield and lit Eddie in that hazy orange hue that made everything seem different and new.

“Thanks Richie,” Eddie said, letting himself smile as he closed the lid of the shoebox. His doe eyes caught the streetlamps and burst into constellations in his pupils and irises.

“No problem,” Richie said, smiling back at Eddie. Everything he felt for the other bubbled up inside him, Richie’s skin itched with the need to touch, to kiss and more dangerous things that could get them in trouble. “It’s about time to be getting you home, don’t want to worry mother dearest,” he added as he turned forward and pulled the car into drive.

He drove out of the parking lot and onto the road, following the moderate flow of traffic of a Saturday night. They gently cruised through the streets. The song changed to ‘Tell It To My Heart’ and Richie smiled again as the music began. He chanced a glance at Eddie, and found the other smiling back at him.

“You should, uh, tell your mom that we all chipped in for those,” Richie said, nodding toward the shoebox held tightly in Eddie’s lap.

“Yeah, I’ll tell her that,” Eddie returned, tapping his fingers against the box.

It didn’t take them much longer to get to Eddie’s house. Richie wished they had more time together, but Eddie’s mom was probably chomping at the bit to get her mitts on him, they didn’t have much time left before she started her own personal manhunt.

He put the truck in park and turned to Eddie. The soft and low light was caressing Eddie in gentle tones, Richie desperately wanted to kiss him but wouldn’t.

“So, how was your birthday?” Richie asked, hand on the back of the headrest of Eddie’s seat like he’d seen his dad do a billion times as he backed out of the drive.

“Perfect,” Eddie replied, pumping his fist in the air with enthusiasm.

“That’s the answer I was looking for,” Richie said, finally able to smile again, wide and unbound. “It would appear that my work here is done,” he added, thumb and forefinger curled around his chin.

“You didn’t do anything?” Eddie shot back, but he didn’t mean it.

“Oh!” Richie exclaimed, “I’d say I did a fair amount,” he said, gesturing at the shoebox in Eddie’s lap.

“I know you did Rich,” Eddie said softly, blushing again as he chuckled. “Really, thank you for today, it meant a lot,” he added and undid his seatbelt.

“Of course Eds,” Richie said, subdued.

There was nothing that Richie wanted to do more in that moment than kiss Eddie. He knew he couldn’t, the knowledge twisted his gut and soured his happiness, and he tried his best not to let it eat at him. It was the same thing he felt every couple of minutes when he was around Eddie.

“I love you Rich,” Eddie said, ripping Richie out of his thoughts and starting his heart double time, clogging up his throat with the feelings he couldn’t tape down. Richie was pretty sure that he shouldn’t be allowed to drive in such a state.

They had said it before, quietly, whispered between them in the darkness and under the protection of the night. Eddie had never said it when Richie could see his face. Boy was it a sight to see. Eddie’s face was wide open, eyes sparkling and lips slightly parted, face flushed cherry red and his freckles stood out against that red. It wasn’t helping Richie’s desire to kiss him, but it did distract him from his rotten mood.

“Love you too Eds,” Richie returned, smiling dopily back at Eddie. Strangely, Eddie gave a short nod before he spoke again, Richie forced himself not to laugh.

“G’night,” Eddie said, he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the truck door.

“Night,” Richie replied, heart still jittering in his chest.

Eddie jumped out of the cab, slammed the door closed behind him and scrambled up the path to his porch, Richie could still see Eddie’s furious blush even in the dim porch light, Eddie turned to wave wildly before he dived into his house. They were young and in love. The words echoed in Richie’s head as he drove home.


	5. 1994: Part One

They were sat in Richie’s bedroom, in the stark mid October sunlight. It washed Eddie out but made his freckles easier to see. The leaves were only just beginning to turn. Nirvana was softly spilling out of Richie’s new CD player, the thing was hulking and ugly but Richie didn’t care as long as it played music.

Kurt Cobain had died earlier that year, Richie and Bill had been devastated, and they had spent weeks listening to Nirvana and lounging on Bill’s bed. They had spoken about the fragility of life and doing what you wanted to before it was too late. By the end of the month Georgie was telling them to get a life, it wasn’t like they’d really known guy anyways.

Most of their friends liked Nirvana, Beverly had a t-shirt, Stan and Mike listened to them without making a fuss about it, only Ben and Eddie didn’t listen to them much at all. Really, Ben and Eddie only listened to Nirvana because Richie and Beverly loved them so much. It affected them all in varying degrees.

It had really thrown Richie for a loop, at least for a little while. For a bit more than a month, Richie had been extra protective of his friends, which had quickly gotten on everyone’s nerves. Stan had even taken him aside and explained that if anything was going to happen it was going to happen to him because he was the most reckless, so it’d be a better use of his time if he looked after himself. The conversation hadn’t exactly gone anywhere beyond that. Like most conversations between Stan and Richie, it quickly devolved into a bickering contest between chaos and logic, nothing was gained but they both thoroughly enjoyed it even if Stan pretended not to.

“Things would be easier for you if you were with a girl,” Eddie said, seemingly out of blue, jerking Richie from his thoughts in an instant.

“Eds, even if I was with a girl I’d still be in love with you,” Richie said, rolling his head against the headboard to look down at Eddie. “Sure, I’m attracted to girls, but I can’t like just turn off the way I feel about you, that’s not how this work and even if it was I wouldn’t do it,” he went on.

“But you could just get out of all of this,” Eddie muttered, frowning at his sock covered feet.

“What?” Richie asked scrunching up his brows as he continued to stare down at Eddie, concern swiftly rose inside him.

“If you were with a girl then you could hold her hand, kiss her, tell her you loved her in public and no one would be a dick about it,” Eddie murmured, he threw his arm over his face with a pained sigh, Richie hoped he wasn’t crying.

“Love doesn’t work like that Eds,” Richie returned, he wanted to reach out and touch Eddie, but it didn’t feel like the right time.

“I know, but maybe we shouldn’t be together, maybe this is too dangerous,” Eddie said, voice strained, as he brought his hands up to his face and rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his palms. He always did this when he was trying not to cry.

“Eddie, jeez, what brought this on?” Richie asked. He wanted to turn the music off, Polly wasn’t exactly the right tone for this particular conversation, he didn’t know what kind of music would be right for this kind of conversation but it didn’t feel right to have it in silence either. He also didn’t want his parents to overhear their conversation and Eddie definitely wouldn’t want that either. Richie chose to leave the music on and tried to ignore it.

“I just want you to be happy,” Eddie said in a breath. He sat up, leaning back on his hands as he looked at Richie from over his shoulder, eyes tinged pink and sad.

“Being around you makes me happy, being your boyfriend makes me happy,” Richie returned. He tried his best not to get defensive or to give into his desire to close the distance between them and wrap his arms around Eddie. This was one of those rare times where Richie had read the room and knew Eddie needed distance. “Not being able to kiss you against the lockers at school doesn’t stop me being happy, it doesn’t stop anything,” he added.

“But it sucks,” Eddie muttered, eyes falling from Richie’s face, pouting as he examined Richie’s tattered socks.

“Yeah, it does suck, but it’s not going to stop sucking if we’re not together,” Richie said, chuckling lightly as he watched Eddie glare at the hole in his socks.

“I know,” Eddie groaned and dropped himself back onto the mattress, half draped over Richie, pressing his face into the other’s legs. “I just wish it didn’t suck all the time,” he said, voice muffled by Richie’s jeans.

“Me too,” Richie murmured as he finally wrapped his arms around Eddie, drawing the smaller boy up and against him.

Richie didn’t know what to do to stop Eddie thinking about these sorts of things, worrying about Richie’s happiness and not his own. Constantly feeling helpless and pathetic was awful. A cyclical torture. Richie felt the same way about Eddie, which made the whole thing harder to deal with.

Nirvana continued to play as Eddie lied softly against his chest. It wasn’t the best soundtrack, it didn’t fit them, but Richie would take anything if it made Eddie feel better.

Sometimes, when she was particularly frustrated with him, Richie’s mother would say that she wished she’d had a girl instead. For the first time in his life, Richie agreed with her. What Eddie had said was true. Things would be easier if one of them were a girl. Although, Eddie wouldn’t have been interested in him if he was a girl, the thought was absurdly crushing.

“We’re not the ones that are wrong Eds,” Richie said, words pressed against the crown of Eddie’s head, “it’s everyone else that’s wrong, just like they’ve always been.” He rocked Eddie to the tune of Drain You.

“So it’s just us against the world?” Eddie asked, head lifted to stare up at Richie, those fierce brown eyes questioning Richie with the cynical curve of his brows.

“Yeah, us and the rest of the losers,” Richie added, smile lopsided as he pushed his fingers through Eddie’s hair.

“Well, I guess I can live with that,” Eddie said, smiling as he leaned a little harder against Richie.

* * *

Halloween was swiftly coming up. Richie loved everything about Halloween, dressing up, candy, horror movies, spooky decorations, pumpkins, etc. You got to be a goofball and no one would look at you sideways for it. It was the night of the freaks, Halloween belonged to the losers and Richie was one hell of a loser.

The only downside was that Eddie was never allowed out on Halloween night. It was just another sucky rule on the long list of sucky rules that the wicked witch had invented, and it was one of the few that Sonia wouldn’t budge on. There wasn’t anything fun that Sonia Kaspbrak wasn’t against. She went on and on about how easily someone could poison Eddie, just a little cyanide dropped into his goody bag and he’d be dead in seconds. She would swear that it had actually happened before.

Richie had asked his parents about it, they were pretty smart and his dad paid attention to the news. They’d know. And if they didn’t he could ask Stan, who would probably know but wouldn’t want to tell Richie but he was sure he could pry it out of him, it was for Eddie’s sake after all.

“Now why would you want to know that?” Wentworth asked, brows furrowed as he stared at Richie over his newspaper and bacon and eggs.

His mother had gone stiff as she stood at the sink, hands stilled where they had been scrubbing the frying pan. There was definitely something to it and Richie was eager to bite into the meat of it.

“Because Eddie’s mom always says it, says that’s why he can’t go trick-or-treating, well besides the cavities and diabetes,” Richie said flippantly and watched as his dad tried not to laugh.

“You know, no matter what you say to her she isn’t going to change her mind,” Went said in a resigned huff. Richie wasn’t sure whether his father’s frustration was aimed at him or Sonia Kaspbrak, both could be true at the same time.

“I know that, she wouldn’t listen to me even if I was agreeing with her, she hates me,” Richie muttered, a little dejected. He knew, knew that he couldn’t change a damn thing but he hated to be reminded, he would still try anyway.

“Then why are you asking?” His father asked again, scrutinising him with sharp eyes, as though he were looking for cavities in Richie’s resolve.

Richie knew that his charisma and bravado wouldn’t help him here, honesty would be the best course of action, but he wasn’t always good with honesty. The words never seemed to come out the way he wanted them to. He was forever saying the wrong thing and getting people worked up when all he wanted to do was smooth things over. There was also the fact that he had something to hide, not that the motivation behind his intentions would be read as anything other than concern for his friend.

Richie curled his fingers against the back of the chair, knuckles turning white. He looked down at his sneakers before he spoke.

“Because maybe it’d help Eddie if he knew the truth,” he muttered, he started to tap his fingers against the chair as he brought his eyes up to look at his father.

He watched as his parents shared a look, as though they were talking to each other telepathically. There was something about it that warmed Richie’s heart. He wondered if he and Eddie ever did that.

“I suppose I can tell you, but I don’t know if you’ll want to tell Eddie when you’ve heard it,” Went said with a slight shrug.

“Lay it on me pops,” Richie said with faux bravado and took a seat adjacent from his father at the kitchen table. 

His parents shared another look before his father really began.

“In the seventies, a couple years before you were born, a boy did die from poisoned Halloween candy, but it was his father that had done the poisoning,” his father began gravely, Richie wasn’t yet sure why but gooseflesh rose up over his arms. “The story took over the country of course. Everyone called him a monster and rightly so. From what I remember I think he was in some sort of financial trouble and had the bright idea of killing his son to claim the life insurance,” he went on, recounting the facts with a kind of disdain that Richie had never seen before.

“Wow, that’s fucked up,” Richie said, brows raised and eyes as wide as saucers as he stared back at his father.

“Richie,” his mother muttered without much feeling, her tone said that she agreed with him, it was fucked up.

“I don’t know if it’s such a bright idea to go telling Eddie this story though,” Went added, unfolding his newspaper again, as though the conversation was over and Richie supposed it kind of was.

“Why?” Richie asked, although he already knew, the twisting in his gut was practically screaming at him.

“I don’t think he needs to be any more afraid of his mother than he already is,” his father said grimly as he brought the newspaper up to his face, resolutely not looking at Richie at all.

“Right,” Richie said, coughing as realisation hit him like a sledgehammer.

Of course it would scare Eddie, there was no doubt about that, he would never eat a thing his mother gave him again. Not that they were in any financial trouble as far as Richie knew. She worked and their cupboards were always stocked up so nothing seemed wrong in that sense. However, Richie could see her poisoning Eddie just to keep him at her side, the way she had always told him that he was ill and couldn’t do anything fun just to keep the way she wanted him.

“Thanks for that dad,” Richie said and rose from the table.

“You’re not having breakfast?” His mother asked, brows raised as she stared at him.

“I gotta pick up Eddie and he’s got track this morning,” Richie lied, he just needed to be alone and needed to do something that would fill his mind, “can’t afford to be late,” he added and winked at his mother. He kissed her on the cheek as he worked his way out of the kitchen, just to assure her that the story hadn’t affected him at all.

Richie whizzed out of the room with a curt ‘see ya’. He picked up his ratty backpack from the bottom of the stairs and jumped into his worn out sneakers, and left the house. The worn planks of the porch creaked beneath his feet. Usually the sound wouldn’t even register with him, but at that moment it sent a shiver down Richie’s spine. He raced toward Dolly and practically threw himself into the cab.

The morning was quiet, it was a full hour before the big school rush, and the empty streets gave Richie the creeps. He switched on the radio. Chart pop music blared from the speakers, Eddie had obviously been the last to touch the dial and Richie couldn’t deal with their bubbly positivity at that moment. Richie lightly bit his tongue as he blindly tuned into the country station.

He was hoping to hear Dolly on the radio and his prayers were answered as the buildings turned to farmland and the road got markedly rougher.

“Why’d you come in here looking like that?” Richie sang along, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. He rolled the window down and let the wind tousle his already unruly hair.

He needed to think of something to say to Eddie. To remind him that there were people that really loved him, that wouldn’t let him get poisoned but would still let him have candy.

Suddenly, Richie had an idea. It was one of his best. He turned the truck around and headed toward Eddie’s house with a smile on his face. At the lights, Richie tuned the radio to the rock station and the whining riffs of Weezer’s Buddy Holly filled the cab. He sang along with feeling, playing the air guitar whenever he could afford to take his hands off the wheel, he laughed when his voice broke on the high notes.

When he pulled up outside Eddie’s house, he was giddy, practically bouncing in his seat. The cab was rocking when Eddie tried to climb inside.

“What have you done?” Eddie asked, eyeing Richie suspiciously as he buckled his seat belt.

“What do you mean ‘what have you done’? I haven’t done anything,” Richie returned. He really hadn’t done anything, at least he hadn’t yet. He pulled into the road and began their journey toward school.

“Then what’s with the face?” Eddie asked, he reached over and poked Richie’s cheek.

“Oh, is my smile suspicious, can’t I simply be happy without an ulterior motive?” Richie said, acting as though he were horribly offended, one hand pressed to his heart.

“Ulterior, that’s a fifteen dollar word,” Eddie muttered and dug into his backpack.

“Well, I don’t get B’s in English for not knowing words Eds,” Richie said, smirking sideways at Eddie as he tried to keep his eyes on the road. Eddie would flip out if Richie turned completely toward him, which was understandable, it was just hard for Richie to stay concentrated on driving when Eddie was always so distracting.

“Something is up, I know it and I’m going to find out,” Eddie said, unrelenting, as he pulled his scarf out of the backpack and zipped it back up. 

“Jee whizz Ed, calm it, there’s no reason to go all Columbo on me,” Richie sighed, pretending to be put upon as the radio went into commercials.

“I’m too short for trench coats,” Eddie shot back, as though that was the most important thing, Richie couldn’t contain his laughter.

“I think you’d look great in a trench coat,” Richie returned.

“I’d look like a fucking flasher,” Eddie said with sneer, obviously disgusted.

“You’d be the cutest flasher in all of New England,” Richie said dreamily, he even sighed softly for added affect.

“You’re changing the subject,” Eddie squawked, flicking his arms out and almost smacking Richie in the face in the process for perhaps the millionth time.

“You’re the one that changed the subject,” Richie replied with a self-satisfied smile and Eddie huffed in frustrated defeat.

“I know you Richie, you’re definitely up to something and I’m going to find out what it is,” Eddie said, resolute, almost taking on the detective character that Richie had accused him of being.

It was always difficult to keep things from Eddie. Richie had done it plenty of times, but it made him feel a little cruel, Eddie had been left out from so much that even nice surprises made Richie feel like he was turning his back on the other.

“Well, the burden of proof is on you my friend,” Richie said, almost daringly, as he pulled into the school’s parking lot.

“Just because this conversation is over does not mean that I’ve forgotten about this,” Eddie said, Richie could see him wagging his finger from the corner of his vision.

“You’re really missing the opportunity to kiss me before anyone sees,” Richie said and put the truck into park. He switched the engine off and pulled the keys out of the ignition before he turned to look at Eddie.

Eddie frowned for a moment before he scanned the space around them, the scant few people around weren’t paying attention to whatever was going on in Richie’s beat up truck, and swiftly pecked Richie on the mouth. He jumped out of the cab, leaving Richie to chuckle as he struggled to catch up.


End file.
